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if i date a confident boy, we will have fierce sex, but he will not be able to give me the kindness and cuddles i sometimes want.

key word: sometimes.

because if i date a sweet boy, he will be there for me, but i might not be interested in him for long.

i am not interested in "completing" someone.

you know, you date each type back and forth, eternally unfulfilled. i have not been "in love" for a long time, so i am noticeably terse, however i love nonetheless. i do not need goo for love. love is appreciation and acceptance.

now, relationships. is it depression (as in "am i depressed?" &/or "is being with you making me more depressed?") when people spend so much time together? you will never be able to tell! even if you are the only one with a chemical imbalance, if you left the relationship, your chemicals may right themselves when you get that first whiff of newness. how up front do the depressed need to be? david cross talks about how he has struggled with it off and on in his life, that it ebbs and flows in and out. it's so ambiguous. i am sure that there are entire books about "dating and depression." yee. i try to not let depression have any hold on my interaction in the world, but what if it is really controlling me. could my life be better? the grass is always greener. that is eternal. i am accepting my longings as normalcy.

the older men get, the more set in stone their personalities/habits are AND the more reclusive they are. all the bubbly, charming over 40 males are in the exclusive realms i cannot venture (i presume their charms and outgoing nature have gotten them far in life and that they roll in some elite arenas??) (i'm not saying i want to date them now, but maybe one day when i am older).

I wrote this to Peyton, but it is really to anyone:
Being a listless adult is hard. I just read an article about how the 20s is now being considered a new age group. Back in the day it was "Are you tall enough to work or not?" Eventually "adolescence" became a new idea, later separated into "childhood" and even later on "teenagers" (think about the 1950s, that's when teens became a marketable group with their own lifestyles) Our parents and grandparents were raised under the concept of "Get a job and a family ASAP so you can retire, get your social security/pension, and have adult kids to take care of you." Now, with the worst economy since the Great Depression, many twenty-somethings are moving back in with family after college, dawdling and working internships/volunteering and changing jobs and traveling and often going back to school. At first, the question was "What is their problem? Why aren't these people 'getting a life?'" But now, finally, a paradigm shift. Just as childhood and teenagers are newer, socially accepted age groups, the post-college 20s seem like a new category in American lifestyles. Though, I know quite a few folks in their 30s in the same boat, so we'll call it the "S.S. Cynicism." Like Birdstuff said, "Revolution is not an old person's game" and so we are all scrambling and self-medicating and longing and the same breed of superhuman overacheivers take the cake like in the generations before, leaving us in the dust, feeling inadequate and lost. Try not to compare your path to anyone else's and be happy where you are, not concerned where you are going. If you are not happy where you are, fix yo shit! I still lack most of the things I did in Alabama that left me depressed, but working towards a living wage and acquiring housing are more pressing matters and take the lead in my fretting. Just rambling.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Sep. 14th, 2010 09:28 pm (UTC)
Write more, again.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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