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Hijacked thought from BBC's sidebar headlines:
"Unorthodox" "Night Owls" "[...] on a Mission"
And then this was used to describe my Friday night:
"Less wine & cheese, more black & sleaze."

Incognito ergo sum: the chameleon's mantra.
I am powerful enough to be what I want.
Can inconsistency be my consistency?

Considering past bouts of authenticity...
Weird new south, sticky holler, melted to the Crazy Creek.
Disposable income, asymmetrical everything.
Math rock, shit talk, shallow and narrow, and focused as Hell.
So many cake fights. Dozen overdue DUI.
Bundled in the top bunk with the cats.
Now I'm just getting nostalgic.

It is statistically proven the longer I go
Without showering, the more depressed I become,
And yet, I just can't being myself to do it.
How did I become such a deliciously dirty hippie?

Words I'm thinking about strung together:
Enthusiastically miasmic euthanized lemons usually miming Eurythmics' Lennox.

the more i think; or "wink wink"

empty text field: bathe me in blinding florescence.
how much can i think of to say worthwhile to etch into the e-aether?

meditations guised as projections of my wishes flounder,
useless daydreams rooted in sand, abating reality if only for now.
WILL IT! use your mind's might, JB!

does it make me tuffer than fluff that i just want to watch tuff turf
and scarf za and dance to psychedelic jams in said sand?
dreamsy whim, tim and eric shrim, punk as sin, begin again.

how to start? call ma? troll mall? poll pals? six of tsingtao?
no, i much prefer asahi; i think. i always get them confused.

i have now referenced: james spader, pizza, and beer.
is life as simple as that?

Save Culture; a thought in progress

It is extremly important to cling to the culture around you. We (the world) are on a comedown the likes of which have ne'ery been seen before. The false gilded glory years of promise, yore, and our parent's dreams are not gonna happen. We cannot thrive under the current constructs of society. I'm trying to wrap my brain around how a body could presume "If A isn't correct, B is." Pretty much screams "Fuck nuances!" or worse "Fuck everything." Look within and don't get pee shy about what you interiorly discover.

Do not be swallowed by the forces at work around us. Culture is currently one of the few operating outlets of society representative of our ideal Earth. Profits have nothing to do with our well being, progress, or technology. Profits have nothing to do with the conservatism they cling to either, as they are learning. So what the Walmart heirs have more wealth then the bottom 30% of the USA? What did/do people think was/is going on? Oh yeah, they weren't thinking. But even if they began to, there would be a prominent rebuttal from the man. Oh he is not just a big brother; he is a self-serving patriarch we consider ourselves free under. The American Medical Association discovers ADHD medication doesnt increase heart disease risk? Who funded that report? Adderall? Being bitter ain't no fun and that is why culture is so important to us now, to enjoy and celebrate our true talents as a people, not rehashed garbage paraded as such.

Never stop thinking about it. He will just bide his time. He has more time than your life. Have fun along the way and know it's bigger than anything our eyes will have the glory to see, and take a dose of cold comfort with that.

Niche biche; or "the proverbial one liner"

I am certain in my ability to control all my faculties, yet I am consistently, retrospectively convinced I had been drooling or talking to loud or flailing.


I could say a lot of passive aggressive things here, but why fuel my own fires when you do that just fine on your own? "Ooh, daang." Yea, I sed et!

This week I am going to see Point Break Live, getting my first official much talked about Hollywood makeover, & having a Silky photo shoot to make fliers/postcards for my mini-set on Apr 30 (not in that order). Next week I'm filing my taxes, going to San Louis Opisbo and saying at the Madonna Inn in the Lover's Nest (which Mister booked because it is all pink [my favorite color] http://madonnainn.com/rooms/183.php), having an awesome facial/massage/scrub, & just generally celebrating my 26th birthday which is Monday.

Birthday frock
Hollywood hair
OBGYN lab work
new iPad charger
new MacBook battery
plane ticket for Matt & Jess' wedding
How will I afford all these?
After reading exprerimental, gay, Beat, love poems for a while at my favorite local used bookstore, I had a dream the man I am staying with approached me and said, "I bought some gay porn" and then we made powerful love. I wish people weren't so weird about sexuality. There is a poll on the main LJ page today that asks if people have "messed around on a first date." 40% (354) said yes & 60% (527) said no. I guess I was surprised. What are the demographics of this website? Lots of Russians, right? The poems I was reading were experiments, not really poems. Some were not poems at all, but dialogue, transcripts. One man would be typing on a typewriter while he got a HJ, noting everything that was said aloud as well as his own thoughts while he was aroused. It was funny, he kept saying in his head that he wanted to ask for a BJ, but he didn't want to have to ask b/c that was sexier, then he was like "Okay, I'm going to ask." haha! Some of these experiments were "failures" and ended up just being discussions. I seriously can't imagine balancing a typewriter while doin it, but even more so, I cannot imagine having a partner up for such things. I hope I can find one. Some men are so freaked out when I laugh during sex. "What? What's funny? What are you laughing at?" as their boner shrinks. "I'm just having a good time! I laugh when I'm happy." They don't get it. I've cried a little during passionate bouts of sexual synchronization. The other parties that witnessed it were not freaked out, just chuckled at me and my weirdo Joy ways. But when I have told males about it, they are like "Whoah, I don't think that would fly with me," like they would be turned off. Whatever. I want weepy, crybaby sex, that makes you feel silly and out of control and emotionally unstable, when your body has no idea how to cope with all the rushing good touches and vibes so you start to cry a little and you clutch them closer, pretending your skin will begin to mesh together.
if i date a confident boy, we will have fierce sex, but he will not be able to give me the kindness and cuddles i sometimes want.

key word: sometimes.

because if i date a sweet boy, he will be there for me, but i might not be interested in him for long.

i am not interested in "completing" someone.

you know, you date each type back and forth, eternally unfulfilled. i have not been "in love" for a long time, so i am noticeably terse, however i love nonetheless. i do not need goo for love. love is appreciation and acceptance.

now, relationships. is it depression (as in "am i depressed?" &/or "is being with you making me more depressed?") when people spend so much time together? you will never be able to tell! even if you are the only one with a chemical imbalance, if you left the relationship, your chemicals may right themselves when you get that first whiff of newness. how up front do the depressed need to be? david cross talks about how he has struggled with it off and on in his life, that it ebbs and flows in and out. it's so ambiguous. i am sure that there are entire books about "dating and depression." yee. i try to not let depression have any hold on my interaction in the world, but what if it is really controlling me. could my life be better? the grass is always greener. that is eternal. i am accepting my longings as normalcy.

the older men get, the more set in stone their personalities/habits are AND the more reclusive they are. all the bubbly, charming over 40 males are in the exclusive realms i cannot venture (i presume their charms and outgoing nature have gotten them far in life and that they roll in some elite arenas??) (i'm not saying i want to date them now, but maybe one day when i am older).

I wrote this to Peyton, but it is really to anyone:
Being a listless adult is hard. I just read an article about how the 20s is now being considered a new age group. Back in the day it was "Are you tall enough to work or not?" Eventually "adolescence" became a new idea, later separated into "childhood" and even later on "teenagers" (think about the 1950s, that's when teens became a marketable group with their own lifestyles) Our parents and grandparents were raised under the concept of "Get a job and a family ASAP so you can retire, get your social security/pension, and have adult kids to take care of you." Now, with the worst economy since the Great Depression, many twenty-somethings are moving back in with family after college, dawdling and working internships/volunteering and changing jobs and traveling and often going back to school. At first, the question was "What is their problem? Why aren't these people 'getting a life?'" But now, finally, a paradigm shift. Just as childhood and teenagers are newer, socially accepted age groups, the post-college 20s seem like a new category in American lifestyles. Though, I know quite a few folks in their 30s in the same boat, so we'll call it the "S.S. Cynicism." Like Birdstuff said, "Revolution is not an old person's game" and so we are all scrambling and self-medicating and longing and the same breed of superhuman overacheivers take the cake like in the generations before, leaving us in the dust, feeling inadequate and lost. Try not to compare your path to anyone else's and be happy where you are, not concerned where you are going. If you are not happy where you are, fix yo shit! I still lack most of the things I did in Alabama that left me depressed, but working towards a living wage and acquiring housing are more pressing matters and take the lead in my fretting. Just rambling.

Natasha Leggero at the Laugh Factory

Testing to see how our old video player embeds on LJ.

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